Why I Stop Doing Things

This blog post is a follow-up to What Do I Like, in which I talked about how most of the things I do are short-lived, and that I go through phases of intense focus on one activity followed by dropping it for an indeterminate amount of time.

The reason for that? Three words: fear of failure.

I’m afraid of failing, afraid of taking risks, afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, afraid of asking for help, afraid of looking incompetent in the eyes of others.

When faced with a roadblock, instead of relying on others for help, I will just try and bash my head against the problem, trying variations of the same thing again and again, all the while growing increasingly more frustrated calling myself a failure, a disappointment, a worthless person, a sad excuse of a man, that in comparison to person X I’m nothing since they would have been able to figure it out by now.

I relentlessly beat myself up time and time again.

To avoid the my own mental torture, I dissuade myself from decisions that can carry even a slight amount of risk. Which means that once I get comfortable with something, I will remain there forever, never improving, never learning anything new, but always hoping that by some miracle I will spontaneously become better at that something, without having to expose myself to the potential risk that comes with embetterment.

This destructive behaviour has caused me to stagnate in terms of my skills, to miss opportunities that could have radically changed the course of my life.

Dear reader, this is where I wish I could put a simple walkthrough of how to get rid of this behaviour, to be able to help those who are in a situation similar to mine.
But, the truth is, I have no idea how as I am still on the long journey of figuring it out, with the help of a mental health professional, and have only now gotten the courage to publicly admit that I am in fact not okay.
However, I do leave you with this tiny piece of wisdom: If you don’t feel comfortable or cannot afford a it, while not a substitute for it, there are free and anonymous mental health hotlines that have trained counselors that can listen to you such as Shout in the UK or Crisis in the United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Ireland.

Thank you for reading,
Emanuel “Kamefrede” Ferraz